"....also, im trying to become good people. ask me about it sometime, and help contribute to the project. its going to take some work, but i think its possible." - Me to a friend on her blog January 23, 2006
"As my sole reader...you more than make my life. We'll talk about becoming good people sometime." - Her response a short time later.
So I stumbled upon another old blog that I didn't recall creating yesterday, and I saw her comment and tracked down my initial response on her blog. To the best of my knowledge we never had that conversation and I'm not sure why. I graduated from U of C and lost track of her and several other friends from there. I do recall us being alright friends but not as close as the ones I've kept in some contact with, which is pretty much my bad. I've been getting in contact with several old friends recently, so I figure I'll try to look her up. If I can get back in contact with her, I'll see how she's been, meanwhile I'm trying to evaluate how I've been. Have I actually become good people? Sorry for what seems like a Debbie Downer post, but it's what I'm feeling up for. It's not that depressing and I'm not depressed, so it shouldn't be too bad really.
This isn't a post about "Oh, my life is so depressing and sad and what have you." It's more a "Where actually AM I in my life? Is this where I had planned on being 5, 10 years ago?" And I would like to catch up and see that we both have become good people, but that's more me hoping past John hasn't totally screwed everything up ever. You know, that whole Saving Private Ryan ending, "Did I live a good life? Tell me I did," kinda crap. Make the most of what you have, blah blah blah. But the problem with that is that I'm only 4 years older than that comment and while I'm sure going back in time and talking to my old self would do wonders for both present and past John's psyches (here's a hint, past self, stop swearing and being an obnoxious dick so much) I find it kind of weird evaluating my life when it's (hopefully) only 25% over.
But let's try to look back. 10 years ago I was 13 and...a freshman I think. Doesn't really matter, the time frame is what matters. And to answer where did I think I would be at this age? Hell, married with a kid. 23 was freaking old, man. 23 year olds had beards and were like 6 feet tall! I remain 5'9" and still having not great luck with facial hair, but I blame that on it being blond, which isn't my fault. Meh. I expected to not only have life figured out, but to have a job and a family by this point. I think. Remembering my 13 year old antics is hard, sorry. 13 year olds are all idiots anyway.
But 5 years ago, heck, let's make it 4 years ago when I wrote that quote. 2006 I was a junior at U of C, ready to start looking towards the future, ready to become a man. I was 19, I was totally an adult, I was....still an idiot. Oh, past John, you marvelous idiot. I still had that thought that I was going to have the future figured out. At the age of 23 going on 24, I expected to have a job and be starting my life. I don't and I'm not. Grad school? Who needs grad school? I was 19 and the world was my oyster! Or some other animal that I like eating. Buffalo. We'll go with buffalo. But I'm still looking for a job, still looking for a girl, still looking for some creative outlet in my future. Hence why I plan on taking up painting at some point and learning to play guitar, and why I write. Organizing my thoughts is easier when they're written down.
But why did I write that quote 4 years ago? Probably because it was a new year and I was trying to be a better person. Marvelous how time moves in circles isn't it? Guess what my new year's resolution is this year? That's right, be a better person. BUT I REALLY MEAN IT YOU GUYS TOTALLY. Ka is a stupid wheel.
Two years ago, I lost 20 pounds to drop down to 180. I gained it back, mainly in the last half of a bad 2009 and am now trying to drop it again. I'm trying to be a better person this year after a bad behaviored 2009. (2009 was filled with lots of bad happenings, many of them clustering in the last half of the year. There were some good times in there as well, but on the whole I've lived better years.) I'm still looking towards the future and expecting to not only have a job in 5 years but the beginnings of a family as well. I'm reading many of the same books as I was two years ago (I've been rereading some star wars books lately, and then I'm about to start a new Stephen King after that) and like a lot of the same bands. What this proves is that I learn nothing from past John, other than to dampen my expectations.
But am I a better person, the question I initially posed myself for this entry? Well, I've stopped saying racist things jokingly which I had going on for a while there (Ugh my life), and I've cut my cursing down a lot (and not just verbally, I've also tried to drop it here too!), and I try not to talk about people behind their back as much, so i guess the answer is yes, but I still can improve. As I'm sure we all knew really. So let's say I'm a good person. How do I become a better one? Charity work I suppose, along with becoming more intellectually curious about the world I live in and what's going on in it. Maybe also actually learning to paint or play guitar could also help, along with being nicer to friends and all.
But that's more "How do I become a saint?" To be a better person, how about I talk to friends more often and work hard on finding that job while still being able to enjoy the time I have with the friends I have now. And I need to let go of some things I'm angry about currently which really aren't my concern and I cannot effect, but my anger issues tend to work themselves out over time. So I think I'm on my way.
We all fall off the horse at some point, the key is that you have to get back on. So to anyone I've been a dick to in the last 4 years? Past John and present John apologize for my/our behavior. And I'll bet that Future John is going to be apologizing for past John's behavior soon enough. But bear with me, I'm actually trying here.
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