A Short Piece

So I'm not sure if you noticed, but I haven't written anything in the last few days. This is because I've been taking a break. Not because I'm lazy, honestly no. If I wanted to, I could be churning out posts every day like the last few weeks. But you know what? I didn't major in English or writing or something along those lines. I majored in Math, Physics, and (currently) Mechanical Engineering. And because I'm currently working in grad school, I'm trying to finish a thesis in ME.

After hearing about a friend (and I'm being charitable with this description) flush her life down the toilet this past weekend, I realized that I need to finish this thesis. So the blog focus is going to change from here on out. First, no more daily posts. Too much time when I should be working. Second, more of a focus on how my thesis and research is going, though I will have occasional posts about other aspects of my life. Basically, this blog will be an outlet for ranting and raving about the thesis and baseball, the two main focuses of my life. So if you want to read about those, and maybe a few posts about the weight loss plan, or a few about TV occasionally, keep reading. But the asinine posts from Mondays, the Music posts, and the That Guy Sucks posts are leaving. Baseball posts (after I finish the division previews which I know you all CARE SO MUCH ABOUT) will be generally limited to how the teams I like are doing, ie, Cubs and Twins news. Deal.

So sorry the blog is changing, I just have more important things right now.

Family Ties

So I was talking to my sister Mary the other day about the blog, and she suggested I write about my family. Now, as she never said what to write about or what I could or could not say.....No, wait, I'm not evil. I figured I'd talk a little bit about who she is, what our wacky relationship is like, and maybe a few more things. We'll see what happens with this, and as I only have 3 immediate family members (Mary being the only one who to my knowledge reads this), I may eventually start talking about any of you who actually wants to. I'll try to spare the punches (ie, I won't talk about your crippling gambling addiction or that time you sent a busload of kids over a cliff...wait, that was Veronica Mars) but if any of you actually want me to analyze you, feel free to either comment on the post with a name or send me an email. I can't promise WHEN my analysis will come, but I'll let you know in an email. I will of course be writing about family first, so there's another two posts after this one before I even think to talking about you.

But anyway, Mary. Basic description is that she's my sister. She's the one who loves pandas, acting, singing, Spanish, reading, and music, not necessarily in that order. She's the one who's either helping me start my latest scheme or coming up with a new one for me to implement. Let's start with the reminiscing!

We used to fight a lot, for some reason. She just wouldn't admit that I was right (side note: I was) and that I deserved more of the couch, food, TV programming, and movie choices (another side note: I did). So we fought, I hit, she wouldn't, I "won," she cried to Mom, I got yelled at, we both ended up unhappy. This cycle repeated itself until we got into high school for some reason. I blame her, because I was clearly cooler (side note: I wasn't) and knew more about the world (side note: I still don't, but that's because she went to Europe)

We stopped fighting when I got to high school, mainly because we were both busier and had our own friends. We became good friends whose humor plays well with each other. I understand her style and how to make it work. My Mom and I were picking her up from college a year or two ago and we stopped at a Perkins for lunch, because Perkins is delicious. And so Mary and I started fake fighting about something stupid, and our mother started laughing while trying to tell us to stop. I said "You can't be mad if you're laughing," Mary instantly repeated it, and then we both started chanting it at the same time. We also have mastered a good summary/version of the chicken cluck from Arrested Development. Like I said, we know how to make comedy work. As some of you may know, my sister is in a comedy group over the summers when she is back in Chicago. She is criminally underused, but always hilarious when she gets up there. I and her have written several skits that are based around our childhood, and if I can ever find video of them, I'll upload them here. My sister plays me because she knows what I am like, while Mary's best friend plays Mary because she knows what Mary is like. Mary also factors into some other skits, but she doesn't receive as much show time as she should have (ideally, it would be two hours of Mary up there entertaining me, with a few other people thrown in every now and then, but I'm not in charge of the show)

Mary loves pandas. I mean loves them. As previously mentioned, she's the one with the pandas covering her room, pictures of which I will take when I go home this weekend. It's easy to see anything that isn't panda-colored in that room, but if it is black and white, you're outta luck. I don't think I've ever mentioned that she's a Spanish major. Technically, she's now a Spanish grad student, which I'm not sure what exactly that entails. I imagine teaching whiny undergrads Spanish 1, but that's only a guess.

She's also a good singer, in that she pulled our collective butts out of the fire whenever we played rock band at home. She did choir back in grade school, so I imagine all that artsy-fartsy helped. She also is really good at painting and such. Basically, she somehow tapped into the heretofore undeveloped Zuidema artistic talent gene. I haven't touched mine, but I have to think that before my life is up I'll try to harness it, fail badly, and then give up to go look at fantasy baseball scores (I know my limits, and hey, baseball).

As for when she gets out of grad school, I think she's going to go into teaching kids, either in high school or college. She'll end up in a panda wedding dress someday with panda tuxes and panda bridesmaid dresses (don't ask me WHERE she'll get them, she'll find a place). Actually, I kinda want to see that. Because I know it will keep me entertained, which, as far as I can figure out, is what family is for.

Mary, since I know you're reading this, thanks for being my sister. Also, this was your birthday present. I hope you enjoyed it, read it again in like 2 months and pretend it's new.

Squeeze Box

Yes I could have gone with all sorts of Who related titles for this post, and as I'm getting introspective and insightful about who I am as a person, many of them could have worked. Who Are You, Won't Get Fooled Again, My Generation, I Can See For Miles, Behind Blue Eyes, they all work. But I like Squeeze Box for its zaniness, so that's the title.

"....also, im trying to become good people. ask me about it sometime, and help contribute to the project. its going to take some work, but i think its possible." - Me to a friend on her blog January 23, 2006

"As my sole reader...you more than make my life. We'll talk about becoming good people sometime." - Her response a short time later.

So I stumbled upon another old blog that I didn't recall creating yesterday, and I saw her comment and tracked down my initial response on her blog. To the best of my knowledge we never had that conversation and I'm not sure why. I graduated from U of C and lost track of her and several other friends from there. I do recall us being alright friends but not as close as the ones I've kept in some contact with, which is pretty much my bad. I've been getting in contact with several old friends recently, so I figure I'll try to look her up. If I can get back in contact with her, I'll see how she's been, meanwhile I'm trying to evaluate how I've been. Have I actually become good people? Sorry for what seems like a Debbie Downer post, but it's what I'm feeling up for. It's not that depressing and I'm not depressed, so it shouldn't be too bad really.

This isn't a post about "Oh, my life is so depressing and sad and what have you." It's more a "Where actually AM I in my life? Is this where I had planned on being 5, 10 years ago?" And I would like to catch up and see that we both have become good people, but that's more me hoping past John hasn't totally screwed everything up ever. You know, that whole Saving Private Ryan ending, "Did I live a good life? Tell me I did," kinda crap. Make the most of what you have, blah blah blah. But the problem with that is that I'm only 4 years older than that comment and while I'm sure going back in time and talking to my old self would do wonders for both present and past John's psyches (here's a hint, past self, stop swearing and being an obnoxious dick so much) I find it kind of weird evaluating my life when it's (hopefully) only 25% over.

But let's try to look back. 10 years ago I was 13 and...a freshman I think. Doesn't really matter, the time frame is what matters. And to answer where did I think I would be at this age? Hell, married with a kid. 23 was freaking old, man. 23 year olds had beards and were like 6 feet tall! I remain 5'9" and still having not great luck with facial hair, but I blame that on it being blond, which isn't my fault. Meh. I expected to not only have life figured out, but to have a job and a family by this point. I think. Remembering my 13 year old antics is hard, sorry. 13 year olds are all idiots anyway.

But 5 years ago, heck, let's make it 4 years ago when I wrote that quote. 2006 I was a junior at U of C, ready to start looking towards the future, ready to become a man. I was 19, I was totally an adult, I was....still an idiot. Oh, past John, you marvelous idiot. I still had that thought that I was going to have the future figured out. At the age of 23 going on 24, I expected to have a job and be starting my life. I don't and I'm not. Grad school? Who needs grad school? I was 19 and the world was my oyster! Or some other animal that I like eating. Buffalo. We'll go with buffalo. But I'm still looking for a job, still looking for a girl, still looking for some creative outlet in my future. Hence why I plan on taking up painting at some point and learning to play guitar, and why I write. Organizing my thoughts is easier when they're written down.

But why did I write that quote 4 years ago? Probably because it was a new year and I was trying to be a better person. Marvelous how time moves in circles isn't it? Guess what my new year's resolution is this year? That's right, be a better person. BUT I REALLY MEAN IT YOU GUYS TOTALLY. Ka is a stupid wheel.

Two years ago, I lost 20 pounds to drop down to 180. I gained it back, mainly in the last half of a bad 2009 and am now trying to drop it again. I'm trying to be a better person this year after a bad behaviored 2009. (2009 was filled with lots of bad happenings, many of them clustering in the last half of the year. There were some good times in there as well, but on the whole I've lived better years.) I'm still looking towards the future and expecting to not only have a job in 5 years but the beginnings of a family as well. I'm reading many of the same books as I was two years ago (I've been rereading some star wars books lately, and then I'm about to start a new Stephen King after that) and like a lot of the same bands. What this proves is that I learn nothing from past John, other than to dampen my expectations.

But am I a better person, the question I initially posed myself for this entry? Well, I've stopped saying racist things jokingly which I had going on for a while there (Ugh my life), and I've cut my cursing down a lot (and not just verbally, I've also tried to drop it here too!), and I try not to talk about people behind their back as much, so i guess the answer is yes, but I still can improve. As I'm sure we all knew really. So let's say I'm a good person. How do I become a better one? Charity work I suppose, along with becoming more intellectually curious about the world I live in and what's going on in it. Maybe also actually learning to paint or play guitar could also help, along with being nicer to friends and all.

But that's more "How do I become a saint?" To be a better person, how about I talk to friends more often and work hard on finding that job while still being able to enjoy the time I have with the friends I have now. And I need to let go of some things I'm angry about currently which really aren't my concern and I cannot effect, but my anger issues tend to work themselves out over time. So I think I'm on my way.

We all fall off the horse at some point, the key is that you have to get back on. So to anyone I've been a dick to in the last 4 years? Past John and present John apologize for my/our behavior. And I'll bet that Future John is going to be apologizing for past John's behavior soon enough. But bear with me, I'm actually trying here.