Friday That Guy Sucks

So I thought before I was going to write this that I was going to have a lot of trouble with this. Two weeks in and I'm already out of Cubs players to hate on? Crud, this is difficult.

Then I remembered our pitching staff. Oh, our illustrious pitching staff. So much hatred for our pitching staff. The last few years we've gotten a lot better on offense and our starting pitching has gotten...sorta better, Carlos Silva withstanding. But our relievers? Oh, there's material there for freaking weeks. And it's why I'll definitely be continuing this feature. And the benefit to bitching about today's specific player, EVERYONE can enjoy hating on him. Because there is no doubt that he is freaking terrible.

If I ever have a kid, I'm going to tie his right arm behind his back for the first four years of his life. Because if I can raise me a left-handed kid, he can earn almost 3 million dollars in 7 of the worst seasons I have ever seen. Even if he's terrible. And the thing is, when you hear the guy's name, you too will say, "Oh, that guy. Aaagh." Whenever the guy comes into the game you throw your hands up in the air and you pray that the damage is minimal.

Neal Freaking Cotts (See, you all yelled there, didn't you! He ruins your day!) was the worst left handed specialist I've ever seen. And yes, he does require the Freaking for a middle name. Every time he came into a game, I yelled expletives and angry sayings. "What are you doing, Lou? Why are you ruining my freaking life?" And then after he gave up the inevitable hit? "(Expletive deleted)! Oh, son of a bitch! Why is that (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) (maternal expletive deleted) in the game! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Let's look at his ERA in his career. 2003-8.10, 2004-5.65, 2005-1.94, 2006-5.17, 2007-4.86, 2008-4.29, 2009-7.36. As Sesame Street told us, "One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn't belong." 2005 was unreal. As a Cub (because he's on our team now, so that's what I'm bitching about) he is 0-5 and has an ERA near 5, specifically 4.97. The man is atrocious. He has 67 hits in 63 and a third innings pitched. I shouldn't have to expect a hit and more than half an earned run when a player enters a game! And a walk every other appearance! That means that, even as a lefty specialist, he would go into a game and 1 out of 2 times either walk the guy or give up a hit to him. Son of a bitch I hate Neal Cotts.

35 earned runs, 11 home runs, a 1.55 WHIP, the man ruins it all. The man has 9.5 hits per 9 innings, and 4.4 walks in 9 innings. And let's go back to when he was a White Sock. Sock? Sox? What's the singular version of that? Anyone know? In any case, he was atrocious there too! 178 hits in 193 and a third innings. 4.52 ERA over his 4 years there, 97 earned runs in those innings, 100 walks and 27 home runs in that time. I repeat again, son of a bitch I hate Neal Cotts. Heck, let's quote wikipedia for his 2004 season. "Cotts finished April with a 0.90 ERA, but from May-July had an ERA of 8.28." That's freaking awful!

And he got 2.9 million dollars to do this! To suck this hard! He was, as Homer described someone once, "the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked." He's a minor league Pirate now, so once again, someone is paying a left handed reliever good money to try to get batters out. It's the Pirates, so maybe "good money" isn't the right word. But the one plus side to this all is that Theriot and Ramirez hit lefties better than righties last year, and Lee had a better OBP against them. Granted, I assume some of that data was against good lefties, and as I do root for the Cubs I know that if Cotts ever faces us, he's definitely going to strike out all our guys. But I know that I'm gonna hate the crap out of him forever. Screw that guy, he freaking sucks.