Fight Fight Fight Fight Fight Fight!

So I’ve come to a very weird but simple conclusion. As crazy as this sounds, I want to get into a fight. Not one where I could end up paralyzed or anything, but a fight. Sorta like a more injury free fight club. I’d go into a boxing ring with whoever, we’d strap on helmet type things and gloves and all, and then bam, fight. I don’t know who I’d fight per se, but I have some good ideas. I imagine I’d do it in three minute rounds and all, but that’s just a guess. I also imagine that I’d allow tapouts and what haves you, but I imagine that this would be settled by whoever is refereeing the fight and all. And yes, liberal sensitivities and what have you, but I want to fight somebody!

Why do I want to get into a fight? Good question. I suppose it’s because I’ve never been in one before. It’s all that Fight Club crap about not knowing yourself until you get into a fight, plus there’s the fact that I’ve got all sorts of nerd testosterone and all to release. Rargh. Plus, come on, the ability to say that I’ve actually been in a fight would make me totally cool. I suppose a lot of the fake aggression could be solved by shooting paintballs at each other, but that’s so far removed that it doesn’t work. The masks, the distance, the whole other team aspect dilutes the fake anger that I would be fake feeling. So it needs to be mano a mano. And as I don’t know tennis or racquetball or any of those individual sports, it’s gotta be a fight.

I like to think it would be boxing style and all, but that’s because wrestling doesn’t get out that fake aggression that I’m fake feeling. Plus hitting a guy in the face or gut-punching someone is totally awesome. Kickboxing seems a little extreme for me, especially as I don’t know how to kickbox. So regular boxing, marquis of queensbury rules sounds good. I need to look into finding a gym that would allow this thing to take place really.

Ideally, the fight would be for something or have some meaning to it. While just punching a random guy is cool, punching for a reason is even cooler. And so now we have to determine what that reason is. First off, Craig is too damn tall, I’d need a stepladder to punch him in the face. The only reasons I can think of for getting into a fight are with regards to things, people, or ideas. Things is not nearly cool enough for a fight, unless it’s really expensive. I mean, “I kicked OP’s ass for his Rolex” sounds cool, but also really shallow and pretty much just a slightly better form of petty theft. And then we go into ideas, and it’s too deep. “I kicked Tim’s ass over the notion of whether God was Deistic or not.” Of course, ideally, fighting for an idea is the noblest of all fights. But I agree with my friends with most ideas so that’s out. And I’m not kicking Chris’s ass because he thinks Coheed is better than MCR. I could fight Kevin over whether he looks good bearded or not, but when I win, will my mom still let him keep his job or would he be fired for being a failure against Bloom? Well, I could make sure that she won’t fire him….and that Betsi wouldn’t kill me for beating up Kevin.

So the fight has to be over people, specifically a girl. Not to be sexist, but a girl isn’t going to fight me and I don’t want to fight a girl. So the fight is going to be with another guy, and the one thing that guys always disagree over is girls. Easy problem, easy solution: a butt-whooping. Granted, I need to get a girl to fight over/for, but that’s a problem for Future John. So I’m fighting some guy I know over a girl.

So at some point in the future, Future John is totally getting into a fight with somebody. And I will try to let everyone know the who, where, and when as soon as possible. And it’s gonna be freaking awesome. Challengers, reasons for the fight, and generic WWF-style taunts are welcome in the comments.