Inanity in Food Form

So I've decided to rank the top 10 fruits based entirely on my subjective opinion. The ranks are going to be based around several factors, namely how much work it takes to get that fruit, how much of the fruit you can actually eat, any byproducts of said fruit (jellies, juices, etc) and how tasty the fruit is. I'm only going to rank fruits I've eaten on their own, so kiwis are out because I've only ever eaten them in fruit salads. And yes, I am just doing my own version of xkcd 388, but it's Monday. You want something better, go search the webernets.

Runner-ups: 13. Plums, 12. watermelon and 11. lemons. I like plums, especially in prune form. The problem is that they are far too sticky in prune form, even though they are delicious. Watermelon is good, but seeds freak me out, even though watermelon jolly ranchers are really tasty. Lemons are also delicious, even though they are tart, and lemon yogurt is freaking delicious. But I ate a lemon wedge yesterday from my ice tea and remembered how tart they were. Plus it made me the weird guy eating lemons. So sorry lemons, your uses are better as a flavoring instead of as an actual fruit.

10. grapefruit - as opposed to Randall, I actually like grapefruit. I just like other fruits more. It's good, and i like the fact that I can cut out little pieces for individual bites. Plus, flavored with sugar, it is delicious. I remember eating grapefruit every week back at U of C in the dining halls, it was a nice way to end the meal with a little bit of work for a good payoff. Sadly, I do not eat much with grapefruit flavoring, so it's down here.

9. pineapples - sooooooo good, but soooooo much work. I debated buying a pineapple today while grocery shopping, but decided against it as it was too pointy. Plus I didn't have any way of getting the pieces out, so I got lazy and bought it in a can. I don't want to have to enjoy my fruit in cans, Dole Corporation. But I remain too lazy to buy that one pineapple corer thing they sell. Sad life.

8. grapes - we leave the "big fruits" section and go into the "small" sizes. These fruits are all good, but they all received negative points for the sheer fact that I need to eat like 15 of them to feel like they contributed. Stupid jerks need to make me work less. Grapes are the lowest for several factors. First, they might have seeds. Seeded grapes are aggravatingly weird, since my mom only bought seedless grapes when I was young. To me, seeded grapes are just weird, especially seeded grapes that are the size of rocks. I don't want to be able to play ping-pong with my grapes, dude, you're weirding me out. Grape jelly is good, but number 5 is better, and I don't really eat many other grape flavored things that I can think of. Grape juice is really good though, but as I'm more of a beer man than a wine man, grapes are lower. Sorry, grapes. And I weirdly haven't eaten raisins in a while.

7. blueberries - berries are healthy, and blueberries in oatmeal or yogurt are pretty delicious. Plus they're blue and I don't have to worry about blueberry seeds destroying my life. I had blueberry pomegranite juice once and it was really tasty. Not worth what I paid for it, but still really tasty. Blueberries get the edge over grapes because, like I said, grape seeds weird me the heck out. Really kinda tied though, now that I think about it.

6. strawberries - I love strawberries. They are delicious. The problem is that they take too much work for so little payoff. If you want to fully maximize strawberry potential, you gotta take a steak knife and cut the stem part out, and that's for one berry! And if you don't do that, you always gotta worry if you got all the flavor and food out of that strawberry you could have. It's a harrowing life. But Special K with "red berries" (screw you kellogs, theyre freaking strawberries, i can see the damn shape) is delicious, as is strawberry yogurt, jelly, and basic strawberries, as much as I bitch, are delicious.

5. raspberries - king of the berries, raspberries are the best. Just small enough that I can grab four or five and I feel like I'm eating more than I am, but not big enough to scare me like grapes can. Blueberries I need like 20 in a handful to feel anything, but raspberries are good and tart enough that I don't need too many. And raspberry jelly is the best jelly for PBJs. Raspberry yogurt is also delicious, and raspberry vinagrette salad dressing has made me not want to shoot myself when I ate yet another salad. But it's still a berry, so 5 is the best I can give it.

4. apples - the hand size fruits are where we encounter ourselves now. In a last second upset, apples are now in fourth place. This happened for several reasons. I wanted ice cream Saturday, or failing that, an orange. I had neither and wasn't going to the food store at midnight for one of those because then I'm either the sad weird guy buying ice cream at 12 am, or the creepy weird guy buying a bag of oranges at 12 am. So I had an apple. That was probably the most disappointing apple I have had in a long while. And apples are usually good, too! I like apples, I like apple chips, I like apple juice, but that apple angered me. That, combined with the fact that number 3 is generally tastier and less cleanup/leftovers, I gotta give number 3 to...

3. peaches - they are delicious, sweet, and have songs written about them by mid-1990s alternative bands. Peaches know what's going on. Plus the fact that I don't have to worry about the outer layer with them made them pretty high up on this list. Steps for eating a peach? Eat the peach. That's some nice work there, God, in making peaches awesome like that.

2. bananas - yes, they have a peel, but you know what? Opening banana peels is kinda like opening a present. And inside? Boom, banana! Plus, Raffi wrote a song about a banana telephone, and Gwen Stefani wrote something about them. I did just ruin your mind there by throwing out two catchy songs, but let me just say this about bananas. One Week I was at a Small World exhibit and I felt like that Yellow Submarine banana made me feel like a pretty rocking monkey. Now that I fully hit everyone with that minefield, bananas rock.

1. oranges - the basic point of this post was just leading up to the fact that I really like oranges. I wanted one Saturday so I bought a bag of them on Sunday after church. They are delicious, and orange juice is the best of all possible juices. It tastes great, is really healthy, prevents scurvy, and mixes great with alcohol. Oranges are great and (as far as I can see) don't get bruised when you drop them, which is also nice. Clementines are just weeny oranges though. Regular navel (naval?) oranges are where it's at. Those are the boys and they are delicious. Go oranges.